Colleen joins John and his Air Force buddies for his annual tradition of dirty Christmas caroling. Also, Joan tries to hijack Lark’s first Christmas from Jen and Greg, Samantha sneaks out with her friends and is caught when a photo of her and a mall Santa is posted online, and Tyler announces his plans for college,

After realizing that Sophia is growing up faster than he’d like, John buys himself a pet, but it doesn’t get along well with Joan. Also, Heather accidentally sends Tyler a sexy text message, Jen and Greg try to help Samantha win her boyfriend back and Heather and Jen console Colleen and Matt over their break-up.

Tim thinks wearing a Cinderella dress during March Madness is good luck, so he refuses to take it off in hopes his alma mater will win. Also, Greg fantasizes about what to write in a birthday card for his boss, Tyler goes to prom and must withstand unsolicited advice from his parents and grandparents, and Jen sets Matt up on a blind date with her coworker, Dougie.

Greg becomes frazzled when Lark rebuffs him and only wants to be held by Jen. Also, Heather refuses to get the reading glasses she desperately needs; Colleen introduces Matt to her eccentric father so he can get his blessing for their upcoming nuptials; and when Cousin Mikey goes through a tough breakup, Joan tries to set him up on a date.

Matt and Colleen have a disastrous time babysitting Lark while Jen is at work. Also, Sophia is far from pleased when John buys her a butterfly kit for her birthday; Tim and Heather rehash an old fight from the early days of their relationship; and Greg gives Samantha questionable advice about being an entrepreneur for her school project.

When Heather, Clementine and Jen offer to save Joan from the stress of preparing the Thanksgiving meal, the free time leaves Joan every more frazzled. Also, Greg has a boost of self-confidence after learning he has high levels of testosterone.

Jen and Greg decide to take turns dealing with her annoying parents when they come to visit. Also, when Tim and Heather chaperone Samantha's dance, Heather runs into an old flame; Colleen cashes in the many "love coupons" Matt has given her as gifts over the years; and Sophia digs up disturbing information when she investigates the family lineage.

Heather asks Tyler and Tim to buy a bra for Samantha; Joan asks Jen to submit a recipe for the family cookbook, prompting Jen to steal one from her favorite restaurant; John gets Samantha and Sophia hooked on gambling.

When Colleen and Matt learn they may not be allowed into the delivery room for the birth of the baby they are planning to adopt, they try to convince Morgan to have the baby at home. Heather is thrilled when Samantha has a falling-out with a friend who was a bad influence. Jen thinks Greg bought her a beautiful present only to discover it wasn’t for her. John encourages Tim to see a cardiologist.